Loving Your Emotions

For many years, I have pushed away emotions like anger thinking that they were somehow, "bad." I didn't want to feel that way because, to me that meant that I wasn't being kind and that I was disrupting my own peace. I would say to myself, "They are just being fearful. Don't let it bother you." I truly believe that but, I was still feeling the anger. The anger doesn't go away unless you deal with it. The problem was, I didn't know how to express it. I would bottle up this emotion, shove it so far down, lock it up, forgive, and move on. But, I wasn't really moving on. I didn't love myself enough to feel my anger, express it, let go, and really forgive. I was pushing my shadow away instead of facing it. I held these emotions in to the point where I built a wall against my heart.

So much fear, anger, and sadness has surfaced within me over the past few weeks. Pain towards slavery, racism, rape, witch trials, the Holocaust, lack of equality, religious BS, animal torture, and so forth. I really thought that I had let all of this go through remembering my past lives, forgiving myself and others, and seeing my reflection in every relationship. But, we are ALWAYS healing a little deeper. Our pain is so very deep rooted. It's like a beautiful and yet ugly ongoing spiral that we must accept, it's what makes us human. If we didn't feel our negative emotions, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the positive ones. Our lives would be a boring straight flat road to nowhere. We wouldn't be able to feel the compassion that we do with out experiencing these emotions. We wouldn't be able to grow in love.

I grew up in a small town that was mostly white and Christian. I thought that this was the only way of being growing up. I didn't know any better. Instead of thinking for myself, I let others do it for me. But, something never felt right to me. I always questioned it. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized how fear based this religion CAN be. How fear based all organized religion CAN be. I'm not saying that this goes for everyone who is part of a religion. I know some really loving religious people. It is only those who choose to see others beneath them. Those who think others should be condemned because, their beliefs are different. Religion has caused so many of our wars and hate crimes. This isn't LOVE!

As I got older, I began thinking for myself and opening my mind. I ended up marrying a wonderful man who is an atheist. I couldn't understand why God would send such a loving man to hell. It didn't make any sense to me. That is when I began to truly question everything on a deeper level. We have been married for 10 years, together for 15, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for this man. I have grown so much because, of our love for each other. We have forgiven each other over and over again, been through illness, loss, and so much more. He has helped me become a better human being just by being with him. Most importantly, I learned to truly accept differences. We still have completely different beliefs. He is my complete opposite! A perfect balance. Don't get me wrong, we have had many challenges! But, challenges that have been worth it!

I started having vivid dreams of past lives and the universe about 5 years ago. That is when a light bulb went on. Everything started to make sense to me. I finally felt at peace with how I viewed our world and at peace with everyone in it. Things started to make even more sense after I became very ill. I was still holding onto a lot of fear which was making me sick. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted for my spiritual gifts and beliefs by my Christian family members and friends. Fear that my husband would think I was crazy.

When I came out about my gifts as a medium, I had some very fearful reactions. I had people very close to me tell me that I was going to hell. In that moment, I didn't know how to react. Anger and sadness rose within my throat, my heart raced, I got clammy, shaky, and I couldn't find the right words to say. So, I tried to forgive them and let it go. I knew that they were only saying this because, of the fear that had been placed within them. But, I didn't love myself enough to express my anger and sadness. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. The pain from this was unbearable. How could someone who I love so much say this to me?! I've been nothing but kind and loving to them. I kept them in my life and tried to smile covering up my pain.

I realized over time that they were only a reflection of the pain I had been carrying lifetime after lifetime. I needed to feel and express that anger so that I could heal it. For that I am grateful, but I was still feeling sadness from it. I wanted them to accept me for who I am. To see me as equal and as worthy of love as they are. Even if I don't believe in the same thing as they do. I realized that it was only my fear of not being worthy that created this situation in the first place. It was my lesson. I needed to love myself again.

When I was younger, I also had confusion about my sexuality. My own sexual confusion made me reflect upon why I was feeling that way and why others feel this way too. It is the soul that we are attracted to, not the body. I also remembered my most previous lifetime as a man which contributed to my confusion. This can be so painful for people who have been the same sex in most of their lifetimes and then a different sex in this one. Which is why they are who they are from the very beginning. You can't and shouldn't try to change this about someone. They chose to experience this for themselves. I've been called disgusting by people that I love for my views on this. Another thing I have been holding onto for far too long.

I'm no longer going to keep quiet about my feelings. No more hiding from them. It's time for all of us to stand up for LOVE. We are ALL equal! We should all stop trying to change other people's personal lives and beliefs. This post isn't because I want to change anyone. Writing is one of the best ways for me to speak my truth. Even if it doesn't touch your life, it is touching mine by writing and sharing it. We can only make a difference through example and living a life of kindness and love.

I believe in parts of every religion, they all exist for a reason. I feel that translations have gone wrong. But, I would never categorize myself in any of them. Just like I would never categorize myself in any type of group. I never liked "clicks" in high school or college and I don't like them as an almost 37 year old woman. Organized religion is just a way to divide people. Yes, it can bring you peace too. But, not the way real love can. I have seen this is spirituality as well. But, the word spiritual is a very broad word that can mean a lot of different things. To me, spirituality is about finding inner peace by loving yourself and others. It's about looking within and seeing your reflection in every relationship. Spirituality isn't a religion, it is more of a philosophy and a way of being. But, some who don't understand the true meaning have turned it into a religion. I believe in the universe, in energy, and in love.

From the time I was a child, I've wanted to be friends with everyone. Who doesn't want this? When it comes down to it, everyone wants to be loved and accepted. Everyone deserves love. So, please stop trying to change people. Your religion isn't the only one. No one can say that their religion is the "right" one. The only thing that I would like to see for everyone, is peace. If your religion brings you peace and no judgement, then that's wonderful! But, if it makes you fearful and hateful then maybe it's time you did some reflecting.

If you fear or dislike me because of this, it is time to let me go. I've realized that I need to honor my own self worth by surrounding myself with people who truly love me for who I am. Not with people who are afraid my soul will be condemned if I don't change my beliefs. But, I also want to say thank you. If it weren't for you, I would have never been able to face my own shadow. Sometimes it is our most painful experiences that make the biggest impact. We can either dwell on them or be grateful for them. It's our choice.

If you are having difficulty with expressing your painful emotions right now, I highly recommend trying to transmute them. You can do this through writing (like I am doing now), music, drumming, dance, art, etc. These are all very helpful ways to channel this energy and redirect it in a positive way. I'm going to take my own advice and do the same.

Sending love today and every day!